If your life is broken and you need some help, there are plenty of simple ways to fix it.

The simplest, and first thing to try, is probably an auto-erotic lobotomy: you only really need a hammer and a nail for this one, so it’s cheap and easy. The basic idea is that you want to achieve orgasm (there are plenty of ways to do this; I once saw a video of a girl taking nitrous oxide and then having a spontaneous orgasmic combustion). While you’re at the peak, you want to get the hammer and the nail and drive it into your head - about three quarters of an inch above the top of your nose. Straight into the pineal gland. Let the juices flow and embrace your new friend, the permanent orgasm.

If that doesn’t help, you might like to try something more drastic. A disclaimer is required though; this practice requires years of Zen meditation and will increase your risk of death from 99.5% to 100%. You’ll need to obtain the following: AIDS, diabetes (type two) and a yeast infection. If you’re resourceful or otherwise inclined you can replace AIDS with immunosuppressants however this just means there’ll be another thing that you’ll have to remember to do every day.
You want to get your immune disease or similar-acting drugs and get a feel for how it works. Share drinks with sick people, swim in septic tanks, etc.
Next, consume as much sugar as possible. If you don’t have diabetes yet don’t worry, because this will help. You want as much sugar in your system as possible so the thrush always has something to feed on.
Get the thrush and a hypodermic and inject it straight in.
Congratulations, you have about a week to live. But it’s going to be the best week of your life! Just remember to keep topping up your sugar.