The simplest, and first thing to try, is probably an auto-erotic lobotomy: you only really need a hammer and a nail for this one, so it’s cheap and easy. The basic idea is that you want to achieve orgasm (there are plenty of ways to do this; I once saw a video of a girl taking nitrous oxide and then having a spontaneous orgasmic combustion). While you’re at the peak, you want to get the hammer and the nail and drive it into your head - about three quarters of an inch above the top of your nose. Straight into the pineal gland. Let the juices flow and embrace your new friend, the permanent orgasm.

If that doesn’t help, you might like to try something more drastic. A disclaimer is required though; this practice requires years of Zen meditation and will increase your risk of death from 99.5% to 100%. You’ll need to obtain the following: AIDS, diabetes (type two) and a yeast infection. If you’re resourceful or otherwise inclined you can replace AIDS with immunosuppressants however this just means there’ll be another thing that you’ll have to remember to do every day.
You want to get your immune disease or similar-acting drugs and get a feel for how it works. Share drinks with sick people, swim in septic tanks, etc.
Next, consume as much sugar as possible. If you don’t have diabetes yet don’t worry, because this will help. You want as much sugar in your system as possible so the thrush always has something to feed on.
Get the thrush and a hypodermic and inject it straight in.
Congratulations, you have about a week to live. But it’s going to be the best week of your life! Just remember to keep topping up your sugar.

So I ate, and then I went home, and made for bed with the lovely pen that I had crafted - for I kept my journal on my bedside table, a table I had so fondly taken to calling my journal table, or “Joleen”. Joleen was lovely, but no Eiffel Tower. Did she really like me? Did she ever really love me? I made it with her, a few times. A lot of times, actually. Sometimes we tried to make it some sort of competition, how many times we could actually make it in a day. But I don’t think she ever really cared. I had a falling out with her ex-, anyway. I owed money to the vinnies where I found her, and they didn’t like me much. Maybe she still had feelings. Maybe I only ever had feelings for saint vinnie, and was just using her like a cheap jealousy junky would. None of it mattered any more, any way, not after I turned her into a table. She can’t exactly get away now, wooden legs and no muscles. She’s good like that.

It was a fine summer’s day and the sun was shining, and since it was only about ten in the morning we all decided to go on a road trip. Joleen, my chalky appendage and I all piled into my Hudson Esquire ‘96 and we shot off to find some ‘roos to maim.

About twelve seventeen we found our first ‘roo. By this point I’d been itching for a few hours, and my usual playful tac was replaced with nothing but pure bloodlust. Crash, straight over and onto the windshield. Would have to remember to find the owner, for insurance purposes. I stopped for a minute to contemplate the meaning of life, the meaning of this sport, the meaning of my chalky appendage sitting, leaking onto Joleen (but not in a dirty way) and I sitting at the wheel with my arm around her shoulder. It was love, all right. Love of my country, love of my Hudson, love of my Nike Prestons, and above all things, the Eiffel Tower, sitting there, towering over and making us feel all so insignificant but also making us think, hell, it isn’t so bad if we all stick together, is it? And that’s when I decided Fat Dave was following me in his Datsun Sixteen. Poor fat bastard. He was wearing a bandana that covered his eyes, but if you squint real hard, you can see what he’s seeing, and it’s not actually so bad as you’d think. Cuts out a lot of glare. Cats do it too, I think.

I got out of the car and spoke to him sternly, spoke to him with resolve. It was hard, I actually had a stammer when I was at school, and I’ve been working hard to get rid of it ever since. The Pimp says he used to be able to speak the even words of sentences, but he got through that. I think he might have been making that up, just so I wouldn’t feel quite so alone. What a nice guy. I guess that’s why all the women dig him. I got out of the car and spoke to him, but I didn’t really care any more. I just wanted back the days of Joleen and I. But she didn’t want a piece of me, and I knew it. I didn’t have the Adidas for it. Here I was, a cheap Nike boy standing around with some bastard so fat his entire identity is pinned on that fact. Whatever. She could go either way, and either way I go, I’m an American and hell a P.R.I.M.E. citizen of these here states, and a proud citizen of this world.

I thought you were
lonely like me
and that your black
wedding dress
was for me.

love, your weak knees
will one day give
and from that pole
onto me
you will fall.

love, I have seen
all you can give
from way before
I even
met you.

but they were probably all lonely anyway

they didn’t have a car
probably couldn’t even drive
and their spouses weren’t around
not to save them this time
exploding liquid glass
a baby learnt to fly
as the baby hit the ground
a mother learnt to cry

but they were probably all lonely anyway

am I sincere? is this for real?
am I lying? how should I feel?

heavy hearts, together or not
there’s a stone mausoleum
and a love to be buried
in every single chamber
and to keep it in order
all prisoners need a lock
just like all graves need a priest
and lord knows I need some peace

am I sincere? is this for real?
am I lying? how should I feel?

and anyway, we never knew
that the world could be so cruel
and anyway, who should care
if all I ever wanted
was to see you bare
silence…
and then a sinking feeling
a sudden tightness of the gut

am I sincere? is this for real?
am I lying? how should I feel?

I’ve felt true love in a bottle.
yeah, right

lyrics:

when we´re together
we´re always so high
we´re high as the mountains
we´re high as the sky
and we´re at the beach now
we´re having a picnic
I in my black jeans
and you in nurse outfit

then I say something highly prolific
then I say something you wouldn´t believe it
when we´re together we´re never alone
when we´re apart we´re never together

I´m down on my knees
I´m falling apart
I´m on my last meal
it´s you that I´m after
now we´re in the bedroom
and you´re looking nice
I look down and find you
riddled with lice